Kitties, Fukus, and Pervs, Oh My!
by Kesshi Mashin
Summary: What's the best way to poke fun at your entire family? Put 'em all in fukus. Gender be darned, everyone's wearing a fuku! Insertions abound!
1. Forgetful Neko, or, What's In a Name?

"... And that is why you were chosen."  
  
The raven haired youth stared blankly at the talking cat, blinking occasionally. She looked down at the henshin rod in her hands, then glanced back up at the cat, a puzzled expression on her face. "Oro?"  
  
The cat groaned in exasperation, wearily rubbing at its temples with its paws. "This is gonna take awhile..."  
  
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Kitties, Fukus, and Pervs, Oh My!  
  
By: Kesshi Mashin (FXffects)  
  
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A horrible Sailormoon parody. Somebody shoot me.  
  
A disclaimer SHOULD go here.................  
  
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Chapter One: Forgetful Neko, or, What's In a Name?  
  
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"... And I just hold this over my head, and yell... and yell... what?" The black haired girl eyed the talking cat dubiously, while idly twirling the henshin rod in one hand. "Something, something, make-up?"  
  
The cat merely blinked at the suggestion, tilting its head to the side, a puzzled look on its face. "Make-up? What kind of retarded battle-cry is that?" It shook its head once, the small symbol on its forehead flaring briefly.   
  
"Soo........ what DO I say then?" the girl asked, pouting slightly. "I thought this was gonna be like Sailormoon."  
  
"Sailor what?"  
  
"Nevermind," the girl muttered, wearily running her hand through her long locks. "Look, I agreed to being a magical girl-"  
  
"That's a retarded thing to call your powe-"  
  
"FORGET IT! JUST FORGET IT!" she screamed, a single throbbing vein standing out on her neck. "JUST TELL ME THE FREAKIN PHRASE!!"  
  
The cat blinked at the outburst, a small sweatdrop gathering behind her head. "Uh..."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Ano... I forgot...."  
  
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"Oy, Gucci, who's she talkin to?" A short haired youth continued to lean against the door, ear pressed against the wooden surface in a vain attempt to eavesdrop. He frowned a bit, and leaned closer against the door. "I think I heard somethin..."  
  
"Well, she IS taking a crap," a long haired girl muttered, lazily slapping the back of the boy's head as she passed by. "It might've just been some gas."  
  
The boy scratched at the back of his head gingerly, scowling at the girl. "I HEARD something, and it wasn't gas..."  
  
"Kesshi, Kesshi, Kesshi." The girl shook her head softly, her short hair flying wildly about. "You know, the voices will go away if you take your happy pil-" she began, smirking widely as Kesshi's face began to turn a deep shade of red.  
  
"KISAMA!!! GUCCI-"  
  
/"FORGET IT! JUST FORGET IT! JUST TELL ME THE FREAKIN PHRASE!"/  
  
Gucci blinked in mild surprise, before shuffling over towards the door and pressing her own ear against the wood. "Now THAT wasn't gas..."  
  
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The raven haired girl stared blankly down at the cat, her hands clenching and unclenching sporadically. "... what was that?" she asked softly, setting the henshin rod down onto the counter-top.  
  
"I... forgot?" The cat grinned nervously at the girl, as it slowly began inching towards a nearby window. "I mean, it's kinda funny, actually."   
  
The girl nodded gently, as she reached into a drawer and retrieved a small razor. "Go on," she murmured, reaching out to retrieve a small can of shaving cream.   
  
"Well," the cat began, its tail twitching nervously as it looked about the small bathroom. "When you yelled at me to forget it, I-" Its fur suddenly stood on end, and its whiskers curled slightly, as the ground began to shake. "Oh shit, it's here!"  
  
A rather large mess of tentacles and goo suddenly burst through the far wall of the bathroom, its slimy appendages waving wildly in the air clearly visible through the thick cloud of dust. "BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!!"  
  
The girl stared up at the creature, which was currently dripping a rather noxious smelling liquid onto the bathroom tile. She stared at the creature for a moment, before giving the cat a confused look. "You mean to tell me that I'm supposed to fight THIS..." She gestured at the monster, who continued to sit in place, its tentacles having long since ceased its waving. "... this...?" She gave the monster a questioning look.  
  
"Harbinger of death? Hideous monstrosity? Demon from the deepest bowels of Hell?" the monster suggested helpfully, striking a pose. "Or what about the Fabio of devilish apparitions?"  
  
The girl thought on the names for a moment, before shaking her head. "I was thinking more along the lines of giant penis bush." She thought a bit longer, and shrugged. "Yeah, something to that effect..."  
  
The monster bristled slightly at the comment, and resumed waving about its tentacles. "Hey, now, I resent that." It tried pouting, but failed miserably, accidentally biting down on one of its stray tentacles. *Ah, damnit...*  
  
"So what should I call you then?" the girl asked, staring blankly at the 'giant penis bush.' "Dick?"  
  
The monster rolled its eyes at the horribly made pun, then struck another pose. "THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE REALM OF THE DEMON PLANE..."  
  
"Oh boy, I hear another rant comin on." The cat sighed softly, and slumped against the door, scratching occasionally at the symbol on its forehead.   
  
"MAN AND DEVIL ALIKE QUAKE IN FEAR WHENEVER MY NAME IS MENTIONED!" the monster boomed, paying no heed to the girl, who was lazily using the henshin rod to clean under her fingernails.  
  
"Could you hurry it up just a bit, Dick?" the girl mumbled, cursing quietly when she broke a nail with the rod.   
  
The creature paused, mid-rant, and glanced down at its bored audience. "BE FILLED WITH FEAR AND DREAD, PUNY MORTAL, FOR I AM THE ONE WHOM EVEN THE ANGELS ABOVE ABHOR AND.... FEAR!" It paused for a dramatic effect, and thunder could be heard in the background, as it struck a final pose. "FOR I AM BOB, THE MAN-SLAYER!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"   
  
"... Oro?" was all the girl could manage to say, as she stared dumbly at the cackling demon, a large sweatdrop beginning to form on the back of her head. "The bush did NOT just..."  
  
"That's it!" the cat exclaimed, hopping to its feet. "The phrase!"  
  
"Bob the Man-Slayer?" the girl asked, giving the cat a ridiculous look.   
  
The cat nearly face-faulted, before pointing at Bob, who was still cackling loudly. "It's BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
The girl stared down at the rod in her hands, before looking back up at the cat. "You've GOT to be kidding me..."  
  
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"What the hell is she doing in there?" Kesshi muttered, pressing closer against the door. "Sounds like someone just fell or somethin...."  
  
Gucci's eyes widened somewhat, and she swatted Kesshi over the head angrily. "Hush up! I think I heard someone say penis!" she hissed, as the two continued to eavesdrop.   
  
"Oh my God." Kesshi's face paled somewhat, as he pushed away from the door slightly. "You don't think she's doin... yanno..." He made several crude gestures with his hands, grimacing all the while. "... the nasty in there, do you?"  
  
Gucci nodded solemnly, and tugged at Kesshi's sleeve. "AND with someone named Bob."  
  
"Bob?"  
  
"Bob."  
  
"... You sure it wasn't...?"  
  
"Bob."  
  
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Author's Note: Keep your eyes peeled for Chapter Two: Nosebleeds Galore, or, Indecent Exposure. Until then peoples! Ja!  
  
~ Kess 


	2. Nosebleeds Galore, or, Indecent Exposure

... The girl stared down at the rod in her hands, before looking back up at the cat. "You've GOT to be kidding me..." She paused a moment, before shrugging and raising the rod over her head. "Bwahahahahaha," she dead-panned.  
  
There was an unspectacular flash of light, and a small pile of clothes plopped down onto the tiled floor in front of the posing girl.  
  
"Um...." The girl gave the monster a pleading look, while she reached down to retrieve the pile of clothes. "Gimme a sec, will ya?"  
  
"But I'm hungry now..." Bob's reluctance was soon offset with another pleading glance from the girl. "... Alright." He plopped down on what can only be assumed was his ass, tentacles drooping in dejection. *I'm so hungry...* The monster cast a sideways glance towards the talking cat sitting near the toilet. *I wonder...* "Dinnersayswhat?"  
  
The cat blinked, and turned to look at the Man-Slayer. "Huh?"  
  
Bob grinned, and lurched toward the feline. "Close enough..."  
  
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Kitties, Fukus, and Pervs, Oh My!  
  
By: FXffects  
  
  
A horrible Sailormoon parody. Then again, what Sailormoon fic isn't? Horrible, that is...  
  
Why do I need to put a disclaimer here anyhow?  
  
/ / : muffled sounds  
* *: thoughts/sounds  
  
  
Chapter Two: Nosebleeds Galore, or, Indecent Exposure...  
  
  
  
"Bob... Bob... Bob..." Kesshi slammed the yearbook shut, an irritated look on his face as he tossed the book over his shoulder.   
  
"I take it you didn't find anything?" Kesshi asked, watching her cousin pore through another yearbook.   
  
"Nah, nah..." Kesshi paused, and a thoughtful look came over his face. "I wonder..."  
  
"No, Bob is not short for-"  
  
"Bah, says you..."  
  
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"EEP! HELP, IT'S EATING ME!"  
  
"TREMBLE, KITTY CAT, IN THE PRESENCE OF BOB!"  
  
*Why couldn't it have been something a bit more...* The girl sighed, and glanced back at the 'Man-Slayer,' who was currently chewing on the cat's tail.   
  
"AAH!!! AAH!!! AAH!!!"  
  
*... bishounen?*  
  
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... Kesshi hurriedly turned the volume of his CD player up a few more notches, as the screaming continued to rise in decible. The noise didn't seem to perturb the Gucci, who had elected to curl up with a nice GW manga while they waited for the two lovebirds to exit.  
  
/"AAH!!! AAH!!! AAH!!!"/  
  
A small blush found its way onto Kesshi's face, and the volume rose to deafening level, while the Gucci continued to pore through her manga, seemingly unbothered by the noise, though there was a slight green tint to her complexion...  
  
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"You almost done yet?" Bob called out between mouthfuls of feline. The cat had done nothing for his voracious appetite; the thing barely had any meat on it, and was much too furry for the monster's tastes. He grimaced, as he coughed up another giant furball. *Damn cat.*  
  
"... I don't think this thing fits," the girl called out from behind the shower curtains.  
  
"For the love of... what doesn't fit?"  
  
"Um..." The girl paused, then opened the partition slightly and tossed out a bit of cloth. "I think it's the skirt."  
  
The Man-Slayer reached down, and brought the 'skirt' up to eye level. His bulbous eyes swivelled about in their sockets as they briefly looked the piece of apparel over. "You sure this is the skirt?" he asked after awhile, tugging at the fabric gently with a few tentacles.  
  
"I'm pretty sure."   
  
"Hmm..." Bob shrugged, and tossed the skirt back over the divider. "Good luck with that."  
  
"So..." The girl eyed the skirt dubiously, tugging at the piece of cloth, before attempting to squeeze into it. "What's with the name?"  
  
Bob blinked at the question. "What? The Manslayer?"  
  
The girl cursed softly under her breath as a ripping noise filled the air. "Yeah. I mean, 'Bob the Manslayer' isn't the most... intimidating of names." More rips, more cursing.  
  
"Hmmph." The tentacled fiend snorted, and asked in a mocking manner, "So what kind of name do YOU have in mind, then?"  
  
"Oh, I dunno." The girl finally managed to tug the skirt on, her face a litle blue from the tight fit. "Chinpoko? Chinchin? Dankon the Great?"  
  
Bob thought for a moment, then laughed at the names. "Funny." It thought for a moment, then lightly tapped the divider with a tentacle. "I don't think I ever caught your name."  
  
"Shiori." A few more minutes passed by in akward silence, before Shiori broke the silence. "Okay, I'm done." The girl peered out from behind the shower curtain, eyeing the patches of fur littering the tiled floor before looking up at the dozing monster.   
  
Blinking back the incessant pull of sleep, Bob sluggishly shifted into a standing position, stretching out several tendrils to work out the kinks. "Finally." It swivelled an eye-stalk over towards the far end of the room where the 'magical' girl was. A minute ticked by. "Well?"  
  
Shiori shrunk further back behind the divider, clutching tightly onto the plastic sheets. "What?"  
  
"No pose, no ridiculously long speech, no 'I will punish you!' crap?" Bob seemed baffled at the very idea. "What kind of a magical girl are you?" He blinked, and shot a tentacle forward to yank at the curtain. "And what's with the sudden shy streak?"  
  
"Alright, alright, just wait a second!" After a short pause, there was a bit more rustling, and Shiori pushed aside the partition. She stepped out from behind the divider, and struck what she assumed would be an appropriate magical girl pose. "Now, ecchi penis monster, Sail-"  
  
"ACK!" *thud*  
  
Shiori watched the giant penis bush collapse to the ground, twin spurts of red issuing from what she assumed was its nose. "Oh, for the love of Mike..."  
  
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"... Mike?"  
  
"Kesshi, willya just drop it?"  
  
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Shiori paused and glanced at the mirror, frowning a bit at the shortness of the skirt before turning her attention back to the unconscious demon monster penis bush thing. Never had she ever heard of anything like THIS happening to a magical girl, and frankly, she didn't know whether to be flattered or... whatever. "What to do, what to do..." Shiori looked down at the rod clenched tightly in one of her gloved hands, twirling the item about in her hand idly. "I guess it'd be okay to kill it while it's out." She brought the rod to eye level, and searched the entire length for any sort of directions or instructions for use. After awhile, the new magical girl simply gave up, and pointed what she assumed was the front end at the bush. "I guess I just do this and..."  
  
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"Wait, wait, I don't hear anything anymore." Gucci quickly got to her feet, and pressed her ear against the door, drawing Kesshi's attention with a quick nudge of the foot. "I think they've stopped..."  
  
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... Bob began to stir awake, feeling a bit light-headed and woozy. His eye stalks swivelled about in confusion for a few moments, before locking onto the brightly glowing magical girl standing before him, a long glowing rod practically crackling with energy inches away from his nose. All three of his hearts sank at the sight, and he braced himself, as pure white light washed over his entire body...  
  
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"What the hell!?" Kesshi yelped in surprise, as the door and the wall began to emit a blinding white light, the heat radiating from them nearly unbearable.  
  
The Gucci quickly scrambled back from the door, gingerly nursing a singed ear, and stared in horror at the sight, mouth agape. "OH SHI-" was all she could get out, before a huge explosion sent the two flying...  
  
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"... Oh my." Shiori felt her knees go limp, as she stared at the huge hole her magical attack had made in the house. An entire section of the wall and floor, easily the size of the garage, was missing, and all of the windows had shattered during the massive explosion. "... Mom and dad are gonna kill me..." Shiori muttered under her breath, as she began picking through the rubble for any remnants of the demon beast...  
  
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"That... hurt."   
  
Kesshi laughed aloud at the obvious understatement, and continued to stare blankly up at the bright blue sky; for the moment, that was basically all he could do. "Yeah, it did." He managed to move his head around a bit, and noticed that they were lying sprawled out on the front lawn, surrounded by bits and pieces of plaster and wood. "You okay?"  
  
"Ite... it hurts all over," Gucci muttered, as she rolled onto her side, various scratches and bruises adorning her face, the shattered remnants of her glasses lying off to one side. "This can't get any worse," she grumbled, struggling to get to her feet. Of course, an odd looking dildo chose just that precise moment to land on her head with a loud thud, drawing a few tears and muttered curses from the Gucci. "Owie..."  
  
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Author's Note: Well, it's finally posted. I still don't like what I have, but it's good enough for right now. Look for chapter three in the near (or distant) future! Chapter Three: Four's a Crowd, or, Just Plain Disturbing. Ja peoples!  
  
~ Kess  
  
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Omake:  
  
The raven haired girl stared blankly down at the cat, her hands clenching and unclenching sporadically. "... what was that?" she asked softly, setting the henshin rod down onto the counter-top.  
  
"I... forgot?" The cat grinned nervously at the girl, as it slowly began inching towards a nearby window. "I mean, it's kinda funny, actually."  
  
The girl nodded gently, as she reached into a drawer and retrieved a small razor. "Go on," she murmured, reaching out to retrieve a small can of shaving cream...  
  
~~~~~ ~~~~~  
  
"Oh my God..." Gucci whispered, as sounds of screeching and yowling filtered through the door.  
  
"What?" Kesshi asked, desperately trying to listen in on what was happening.  
  
Gucci looked up at her cousin, a puzzled look on her face. "It sounds like she's trying to shave a pussy-"  
  
"IMPURE! IMPURE!"  
  
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End file.
